


The Hogwarts Host Club

by The_Carnivorous_Muffin



Series: Lily and the Art of Being Sisyphus [48]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/F, F/M, Female Harry Potter, Master of Death Harry Potter, One-Sided Attraction, Romantic Comedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-23
Updated: 2018-08-23
Packaged: 2019-07-01 08:26:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15770322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Carnivorous_Muffin/pseuds/The_Carnivorous_Muffin
Summary: Lily, after being swarmed by Lenin Rabbitson's fans one too many times, comes up with the farfetched solution to all of their fan girl woes by creating a club of beautiful men to entertain the prepubescent ladies.





	The Hogwarts Host Club

**Author's Note:**

> Obligatory note of NOT CANON

Lily, sitting at the breakfast table, doing her best to eat her toast in peace and silence, preparing for the day ahead, found herself unceremoniously jostled into Rabbit’s untouched bowl of cereal. Lily, carefully removing her milk soaked sleeve from the bowl, glitching it back into its previously unmilky state, turned slowly to Wizard Lenin, who, like every morning since his tragic backstory, was surrounded by a horde of giggling preteen girls.

 

“Lenin, you have to do something about your fan girls.”

 

Wizard Lenin, had no response to this, after setting the Hogwarts tables on fire hadn’t worked in his favor, it seemed like he was trying a new tactic of ignoring them all until they went away. However, this just made him look broody and more tragic than ever, which apparently added like five years to his handsomeness judging by the squealing of everyone around them.

 

Another sign of this growing out of control, Wizard Lenin, Luna, Rabbit, and Lily were the only ones who bothered to sit at the table anymore. The more rational half of Default had all bailed after it became clear that there would be no eating breakfast in peace, and had demanded ten minutes of any meal before Wizard Lenin arrived so that they could stockpile food and then dash like the hounds of hell were on their heels before the horde descended once again.

 

“Seriously, Lenin, this is madness,” Lily continued, taking a bite of her toast and trying her best to ignore Pansy Parkinson’s loud shrieking for Lenin Rabbitson to glance her way, “I mean, at some point, even I’m going to have to abandon ship here, and then where will you be?”

 

“Eating breakfast,” Wizard Lenin groused, pale eyes moving to hers and glaring with the heat of a thousand suns, “Where else would I be, Ellie?”

 

“No, the question is, how are we going to get them to be where they should be?” Lily asked motioning to everyone else, only to be jostled again, this time on purpose by Tracey Davis.

 

“Watch it, Potter, we all know you just want to keep the Rabbitson brothers all to yourself!”

 

“… You do all know that Rabbit ate someone once, don’t you?” Lily asked, but they weren’t listening, instead watching as Lenin stood, back ramrod straight, and turned slowly to them, and said, in that dangerous soft voice that spelled the death of grown men, “Girls, after my harrowing experiences in my home country, I am very aware of my personal space as well as my breakfast. If I am not given my space or my time to eat food, then, well, I can’t be held responsible for what might happen.”

 

That appeared to be enough, as their faces paled, and they all scrambled back to their seats, allowing Wizard Lenin to calmly, too calmly, sit back down, and resume eating his, now cold, breakfast.

 

“But seriously, Lenin, do something,” Lily said, motioning towards him and his throng of female worshippers.

 

“I thought I did.”

 

“Something permanent,” Lily emphasized, “You know they’ll be back here in a few days after they forget how terrifying you are. Or, well, after they rationalize that you’re only terrifying because inside of that cold glare is a warm cuddly bear who just needs some love.”

 

Judging by the nonplussed expression on his face, Wizard Lenin did not at all appreciate this comparison.

 

Luna nodded in sage agreement, “The more you glare the more you assure your need for warmth, comrade, my daddy did a study once.”

 

And, in his own Rabbity agreement, Rabbit flopped forward onto the table, eyes glazed like a dead fish as he stared forward unblinking until Luna righted him into his usual sitting position again.

 

“Don’t you have the heir to worry about, Ellie?” Wizard Lenin asked in a manner that he probably imagined was pleasant but looked as if he was about two seconds from ripping her head off and eating it.

 

“Well, sure, but without his giant snake he needs at least some time to regroup, and honestly, if I’m flooded by adolescent girls it’s not like I can do anything. So, the way I see it, this is a way more immediate problem. Can you make yourself, I don’t know, extremely less appealing?” Lily asked, motioning to him and all his crippled Albanian refugee glory.

 

“No, Ellie, I can’t,” he spat out, “I’m afraid we’ll just have to live with my universal appeal.”

 

Well, Lily didn’t want to deal with his universal appeal, it was really starting to get to her. Well, if Wizard Lenin wasn’t about to become less attractive (and if being crippled and penniless wasn’t enough there wasn’t much to be done), and the girls were only temporarily held off, something needed to be done.

 

What if… What if Lily gave them what they wanted, or at least, what they wanted in limited quantities? They didn’t really want romance, per se, or not the more physical aspects, everyone who was chasing after him was a bit young for puberty not to mention Lenin Rabbitson himself was a bit young for that. No, they wanted a more glorified romance than that, they wanted the kind of love, sparkles, and butterflies that Lily sometimes saw in teen romance shows.

 

They wanted attention from a beautiful boy, perhaps many beautiful boys, to be told they were beautiful, and sparkly, and the smartest and prettiest of adolescent girls.

 

“Ellie?” Wizard Lenin asked, almost worriedly, “You look like you’re having an idea… I’m not in the mood for any of your ideas.”

 

No, Lily was definitely on to something. It was all coming together inside of her head, this fake stage and fake, beautiful, actors all brought together at limited times of the day, maybe even paying a small fee for the privilege of hearing Lenin Rabbitson whisper words of endearment in their ears…

 

And, more importantly, Lily would be able to eat breakfast again.

 

Lily stood, the plates and silverware rattling beneath the force of her movement, and she said, even as she stared forward out the door, “I’m afraid, comrades, that I’ve had a brilliant idea which I must develop further…”

 

“Oh, Christ,” Wizard Lenin said, placing his face in his hand, “Also, remember that we have Potions in fifteen minutes…”

 

“…And I must forgo the joys and glory of Potions to think on it,” Lily finished over Wizard Lenin even as she stepped out from the bench and made her way out of the Great Hall.

 

“If you were anyone else you would have been expelled by now!” Wizard Lenin cried after her, “I hope you realize that, Ellie!”

 

But Lily paid him and the rest of the students in the Great Hall no mind at all, instead thinking deep thoughts about beautiful adolescent boys, and everything she’d ever seen on television. A far worthier pastime than Potions, of all things.

 

* * *

 

 

True to her word, in the afternoon, Lily cornered Wizard Lenin after Potions and dragged him out to the edge of the lake where they were less likely to be disturbed by any unfortunate eavesdroppers. Who, well, usually happened to be one of Wizard Lenin’s admirers, although why they felt the need to watch him all the time was beyond Lily.

 

* * *

 

 

Well, she’d had Wizard Lenin in her head all the time, so she supposed that was roughly equivalent, but at the same time even while she missed those days and his constant commentary, there were times when even then it had been grating.

 

And even then, it’d really been his presence that she’d wanted, not necessarily watching him from a distance with a look of hopeless longing on her face.

 

Either way, Lily’s latest and greatest solution to all their problems was too delicate and glorious a thing to reveal with any old Hogwarts shmuck listening.

 

“Alright, Lily,” Wizard Lenin said with a sigh as he sat down next to her on a log facing the water, “Let’s hear it.”

 

“Lenin, this is perhaps my most brilliant idea to date, it deserves so much more than an unenthusiastic ‘let’s hear it,” Lily chastised, crossing her arms and resisting the urge to scowl, “At least try for a, ‘Let’s hear what you’ve got up your miraculous sleeve this time, Lily?”

 

Wizard Lenin granted her an unamused glance that clearly conveyed the giant waste of his time that he thought this was. However, Lily didn’t exactly hear him dying to get back into the castle either, so she wasn’t about to take that kind of a look too seriously.

 

“So, I thought about your problem, and realized, that if you just give them what you want, in limited doses, then they’ll be satisfied to leave you (and me) alone at breakfast.”

 

“Give them…” Wizard Lenin started, looking thoroughly unamused, but Lily cut him off.

 

“No, just listen, we revamp the Default dorm, turn it into some sort of parlor, then, let the girls come in, in orderly fashion, so that you can entertain them one on one and whisper sweet nothings in their ear for some non-insubstantial fee.” Lily painted the picture with her hands, motioning towards the grand piano, the elegant chairs and fire place, the great windows out onto the grounds.

 

“Did you just suggest I become a whore?” Wizard Lenin hissed, clearly missing the point of Lily’s vision.

 

“No, that’s the beauty of it, it’s not actually romance, or well, it is, but it’s romance,” Lily stopped held up her hands, and started again, “If things I see on television are in any way accurate all they want is to feel special and pretty and attractive to tragic pretty boys with Albanian backstories. And you, Lenin, can easily provide just that.”

 

“That’s almost worse,” Wizard Lenin said with a shudder.

 

“Hey now, didn’t you do that for years or something?” Lily asked.

 

“Charming the aristocracy, Lily, is not nearly the same thing,” Wizard Lenin said wryly, “And even then, it was for far more legitimate reasons than just getting the mob to leave you alone at breakfast!”

 

“Hey, they’d leave you alone too, outside of your allotted time anyway… And Lenin, any money made, well, it goes straight into your vault.”

 

And there it was, because at the moment Wizard Lenin was a bit penniless, and even with his return he’d probably have to pander for funds off of Lucius Malfoy or something. If he had money of his own, even some money of his own, well it’d make things that much easier.

 

“I don’t see how this makes me less of a whore,” Wizard Lenin said, but by the blank look on his face, he really was starting to consider it.

 

“And it won’t just be you,” Lily said, “It’ll be a whole club of men, we need variety to rake in the cash and spread the love, you know, so you aren’t mobbed. Rabbit’s a given, naturally, with his silent, stoic, and eerily beautiful disposition. The Weasley doppelgangers, I think I can probably convince, and they’d add a nice identical doppelganger touch that apparently is essential for this kind of thing… All we need is a really really girly looking guy and some prince charming.”

 

“Dear lord, you’ve thought this through,” Wizard Lenin said in something akin to horror, “Am I not the prince?”

 

“Oh god no, no, you’re Brooding McBroodface with a dash of intellectual sarcasm,” Lily dismissed, “The princely type needs more nobility than that, more, well, genuine charm that doesn’t rely on dry wit.”

 

“I am filled with genuine charm,” Wizard Lenin scoffed, crossing his arms and then looking at her with a raised pale eyebrow, “Do you have a name for your soft-core bordello of prepubescent gigolos?”

 

“Yes, it’s going to be called, The Hogwarts Host Club, and our motto, where handsome young boys with too much time on their hands entertain young ladies who also have way too much time on their hands,” Lily declared to Wizard Lenin and the Hogwarts Lake with suitable drama.

 

“That was one of the worst things I have ever heard,” Wizard Lenin stated blandly, “And Lily, I’ve heard many, many, awful things.”

 

“But you’re in?” Lily insisted and by his sigh it was more than obvious.

 

“Well, it wasn’t as if I was doing any better, and who knows, perhaps your latest scheme will work… I can’t believe I’m agreeing to this, it’s official, I have no dignity left to spare.”

 

“That’s the spirit!” Lily said, clapping, and then wrapping an arm around Lenin Rabbitson’s thin shoulders, “I’ll talk to the twins as soon as I can and we will be rocking and rolling.”

 

“I regret this already,” Wizard Lenin stated, which was much less of the spirit Lily was looking for, but all the same, a reluctant yes was still a yes.

 

“Don’t be so negative, this will be fantastic,” Lily said as they began to walk back towards the castle where enacting the plan awaited.

 

“Whatever you say, Lily,” Wizard Lenin scoffed before adding, with narrow eyes, “But you will be supplying me with fire whisky, because I cannot do this sober.”

 

* * *

 

 

Opening day of The Hogwarts Host Club and the line was out the door of the revamped Default Common Room. Lenin Rabbitson, Lepur Rabbitson, Forge and Gred Weasley had all been situated into their various positions in rather dapper suits, Lily herself wore her own dapper suit and a pair of sunglasses as her official role of Bouncer dictated.

 

Word had spread fast and viciously, and it seemed like every girl in Hogwarts was willing to pay the non-insubstantial door fee to get in time with their favorite host. With suitable panache and a dance in her step Lily approached the head of the line and the barrier she had erected to keep order.

 

“Welcome, fair ladies… and perhaps gentlemen, to The Hogwarts Host Club, where beautiful young boys with too much time on their hands entertain young ladies who also have way too much time on their hands. Now, if you’d please enter in an orderly fashion, I shall show you to your hosts for the afternoon…”

 

Of course, the moment Lily lowered the barrier, the stampede was in, running straight past Lily and crowding around bout Rabbit and Wizard Lenin. Really, she should have expected that, however after walking over and ripping away girls from a glaring Lenin Rabbitson and a dull eyed Lepur Rabbitson, and informing them that they’d each have thirty-minute intervals and that there’d be more club meetings to come, it began to move more smoothly and a pattern began to emerge.

 

There was Rabbit, sitting in his chair, his chest not even moving and his eyes not even blinking, looking for all the world like a corpse or else some kind of horrible life-like doll, but none the less surrounded by cooing girls who gripped his hands in theirs and told him how they understood what terrible difficulties he’d gone through in life and how it would mean the world to them if only he could remember what it felt like to smile or laugh.

 

As for Lenin Rabbitson, surrounded by a horde of horrified looking girls with tears in their eyes, he was recounting yet even more of his gruesome history in Albania. “Then, Afërdita turned to look at me, terror in her eyes, as she realized that they had smelled her wound, and that, both of us could not survive… And, to my eternal regret, I turned from her then, stranded on that path with the vampires slathering in the forest for our blood like wolves, and I ran, I ran and I ran and I did not even turn when I heard her scream at me from behind in agony. One final, desperate, betrayed, ‘Lenin!’

 

The worst though, the worst was the silence, afterwards, when there wasn’t any screaming at all. It is the silence that haunts me most…”

 

All in all, as Lily sat next to the doppelgangers, who for whatever reason seemed to be drawing in no attention at all, it seemed to be going surprisingly well.

 

“Merlin, Forge, I’m beginning to feel a little underappreciated,” one of them said to the other.

 

“Don’t say that, Gred, we have our glorious goddess with us after all, she’s worth a thousand firsties,” the other responded.

 

“True, Forge…”

 

Then, in tandem, each placing a hand on one of her shoulders, they grinned at her and declared, “After all, the only reason we came to watch this train wreck was because Eleanor Lily Potter asked!”

 

Lily however just kept looking forward, watching the clock for when she had to rip one set of girls away and prepare for the next, “I think we need some themes, this is fine and all, but some theme afternoons would really set the mood.”

 

Like Star Wars, Lily knew if she was a client, she’d be very appreciative of Star Wars in any capacity. Or Rambo, or, better yet, Die Hard for Christmas…

 

Before Lily could think on it too deeply though she spotted, surprisingly enough, a very unamused Hermione Granger walking through the door and straight towards Lily with the wrath of the righteous upon her face, “Ellie!”

 

“Hermione,” Lily nodded, “Have you come to see Lenin in all his beautiful communist glory for a small fee?”

 

“No, I came because you’ve taken over our dormitory for this madness!” Hermione shouted, motioning towards the line of girls as well as Wizard Lenin and Rabbit dutifully entertaining the masses.

 

“Sorry, it was the only place to put it,” Lily stated with a shrug, which was very true, plus it was the most convenient even if she could have taken over some abandoned classroom.

 

“Well you shouldn’t be having it in the first place!” Hermione said, “Honestly, Ellie, this isn’t just sexist but it also clearly disregards anyone who isn’t heterosexual or at the very least not interested in men! This has to be the most insulting thing I’ve ever seen…”

 

Well, now that she thought about it, Lily clearly hadn’t considered that avenue before, or rather, the niche Hogwarts markets, well, if any pureblood boy were caught in this line he’d probably be disowned but still, Hermione had a fair point. At this rate Lily was missing out on at least half of the potential clientele.

 

“Alright then, Hermione, I’m putting you down as representing the nerdy female book worm portion of The Host Club…”

 

“What, but I, that’s not…”

 

It was too late, Lily stood, and announced to the line, “Ladies and gentleman, Hermione Granger, in support of diversity and the rights of those who swing in other directions, has volunteered herself as a host and is now available for appointments.”

 

For a moment Hermione flushed and cringed, but then, opened her eyes when she realized no one in the line was moving, all still eagerly awaiting their turn with either Lepur or Lenin Rabbitson. Then, realizing that apparently no one was interested in Hermione Granger, she glowered as Lily took her seat once again.

 

“Ellie, if you had any shame or decency at all, you would volunteer yourself as a host and see how you like it!”  


“Myself?” Lily asked, motioning to herself, about to interject, then stopped. She wasn’t bad looking, granted she hadn’t gone through puberty yet so who could really say, but she had a rather striking face and was fairly symmetrical herself. More, being a girl, she could easily fit into the lacking girly man category or perhaps even cover the princely type. Eleanor Lily Potter, after all, was a kind of prince, in a way, if you tilted your head and squinted. One might say that Lily was born to play this princely role.

 

At any rate, Hermione soon enough stormed off and the club continued until Lily shut it off for the night, unceremoniously throwing everyone out and telling them to come back next week. And then they sat there, staring at the pile of coins split evenly between all the hosts. Well, between Wizard Lenin and the doppelgangers at least.

 

“Holy shit, Forge,” one of them said, “I think we’ve missed our calling.”

 

“I’ll say, Gred,” the other responded, “Have we ever made this much, even during exams?”

 

This wasn’t uncalled for, it was, after all, a surprisingly large amount just to poke Lepur Rabbitson or listen to Lenin Rabbitson’s old war stories.

 

The twins then looked at each other then back at the pile, then together, announced, “I think we should merchandize.”

 

“No,” Wizard Lenin immediately vetoed, “This is already dangerously close to prostitution for my tastes, I’m not going to have a pin stuck in a picture of my twelve-year-old ass as my photo is plastered to some first year Hufflepuff’s wall.”

 

This, if anything, made the twins grin just a little harder, and Lily predicted by the end of next week they’d have many shirtless pictures of him distributed among the masses.

 

“Yes, well, I’ve also decided we’re going to have themes,” Lily said, “And Hermione brought up a fair number of concerns, some of which are actually legitimate, and to address these (and to reach niche markets) I shall be joining the hosts next time to round out our numbers.”

 

Wizard Lenin burst into hysterics, unnecessary laughter, as Lily had been perfectly serious and thought it had been very warranted, “Oh, Lily, you have no chance at all of charming anyone.”

 

“Hey, I have appeal, I have great appeal, I am filled with appeal to the unadulterated masses,” Lily said, but this apparently was even more hilarious, then eyes narrowed Lily stated, “I’ll bet I can attract just as many as you can, if not more!”

 

And even as Lenin fell out of his seat in laughter, rolling on the floor, Lily decided right then and there that it was on. And she’d make him eat his words as she completely out sex appealed him, but, you know, with twelve-year-olds.

 

* * *

 

 

The next meeting of the glorious Hogwarts Host Club featured Star Wars, the room painted black and white with stars, a replica of the Millenium Falcon sitting in the corner, where Lenin Rabbitson lounged outside of it with a look of utter contempt on his face, dressed as Han Solo, which actually made him look rather in character as he ignored his audience.

 

In some other corner, in a swamp land, Lepur Rabbitson was dressed in Luke Skywalker’s Tatooine garb, with a rather blank and bland look on his face, which, well, wasn’t entirely out of character for Luke Skywalker either.

 

The Weasley doppelgangers stood by a miniature version of the Death Star, dressed as stormtroopers, chatting to a small group of their older peers who were looking at them with raised eyebrows and shaking their heads in disbelief to which the stormtroopers brushed this off with words of following their goddess into the very pits of absurd hell.

 

And Lily, well, she sat by herself unacknowledged, and not surrounded by adoring masses, as Princess Leia, and bored out of her mind. She should have dressed as the emperor or Darth Vader, but then, the whole point was to appeal to a broader audience and that meant a dress.

 

Still, apparently it was Lily who was going to be eating her own words, because Wizard Lenin was winning by a mile, and he was actively not trying.

 

In the words of Yoda, do or do not, there is no try, and thus Lily was very much in the category of ‘not’ at the moment.

 

Still, at least it was going well for the rest of them, and she hadn’t been mobbed at breakfast that morning, so at least it appeared to be working. Which was the important part, the really important part…

 

“Lily, what is a girl like you doing in a place like this?” Lily’s eyes flew open, she straightened, and there was Ginny Weasley staring down at her with a wild grin.

 

“Oh shit,” Lily said.

 

“What, not happy to see me? I, for one, am happy to see you, even if no one else is,” Ginny said motioning to the rest and then sneering, “Philistines, the lot of them.”

 

“Oh, Margarita, I was… Not expecting you here….”

 

“Why not?” Ginny asked, “When I heard that you would be joining the elegant array of hosts, well, I couldn’t help myself.”

 

“Oh, well then…” Lily said trailing off, then darting her eyes towards Wizard Lenin then back to Ginny, “Aren’t you well… More interested in Lenin?”

 

Ginny looked at Wizard Lenin, raised her eyebrows, then looked back, finally she said, “Strangely, no, although it’s cute that you find me so unnerving.”

 

“…Are you sure cute is the word you’re looking for?” Lily asked but it seemed like Ginny was selectively listening because she didn’t even blink at the question.

 

“So, Lily, who are you supposed to be tonight?” Ginny asked, then moved her hand about the room, motioning to each of the hosts, “I hear that Lepur is the savior knight, odd choice that… Lenin is a smuggler, far more apt, the twins are clones, very nice… But I don’t think I’ve heard who you’re supposed to be.”

 

“I’m Princess Leia,” Lily said, and instantly regretted it at the light that seemed to spark in Ginny’s eyes.

 

“A princess?” a strangely soft smile crossed Ginny’s lips as she looked at Lily, “I think it suits you.”

 

“Oh, thanks, Tequila,” Lily said, trying to suppress a shudder, she really should have come dressed as Vader.

 

Ginny reached out for one of Lily’s hands, took it in her own, and Lily felt her skin crawl, almost crawling off her bones and muscle and sprinting out of the room…

 

“In that case, Lily, do you think I could play the role of your prince?”

 

“No,” Lily said shortly, then, elaborating, “Leia’s planet was blown up, there will be no princes now.”

 

“Oh, well, that is inconvenient,” Ginny stated, then blinking and looking at something of a loss, “Her entire planet?”

 

“Death Star,” Lily stated, “It was very dramatic.”

 

“I imagine it would be,” Ginny said, still looking like she wasn’t entirely sure how to take the news, so for a moment they sat together in horrible silence.

 

“Still, I’m glad our peers are so very obsessed with our Albanian friends,” Ginny stated, “After all, with them all flooding them and not even looking in your direction, it leaves you all for myself.”

 

And that, apparently, was Lily’s limit. Lily stood and shouted to the room, “I regret to inform you all that The Hogwarts Host Club is officially canceled. We are done here… Get out!”

 

Then, everyone staring at her, with a wave of power Lily threw them all out of the room, leaving all of her fellow hosts to stare at her. Finally, Wizard Lenin stood, brushing off his clothing, “Oh, good, I wasn’t sure how much more of that I could take.”

 

And thus, the glorious, fantastic, beautiful, Hogwarts Host Club, died a sudden and ignoble death. And the next morning, the Default table was flooded with girls, until their own tables were lit on fire once again.

 

Still, it was good while it had lasted.

**Author's Note:**

> I forget how this came up but somehow I warped some prompt into Hogwarts, Host Club style.
> 
> Thanks for reading, comments, kudos, and bookmarks are greatly appreciated.


End file.
